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My friend is a highly successful professional with a loving family and apparently very little to fret about. And yet she was troubled, “Why do I always feel just 75% happy? Where is that elusive 25%? What do I need to do to get to 100%”?”
Another recent conversation I had was with another friend who is about to take on a new and very exciting job. As soon as she resigned from her current role, she began waking in the early hours of the morning, wracked with anxiety and concerns about the challenges ahead. She finds her mind racing as she imagines all the things that could go wrong.
I myself have been through much worry and anxiety through my life. After I left corporate, I still found myself planning and and worrying, much more than I expected or needed to. I realised how I had been rewarded through my childhood and career as someone who was well-prepared – better to pre-empt the problem that never happens than overlook the one that might! Over time, I grew so accustomed to anticipating problems that I had trouble believing that things were ok, or that I was ok.
Better to pre-empt the problem that never happens than overlook the one that might.
But here’s the thing- if we repeatedly train ourselves to worry and ruminate, why is it surprising that so many of us find it difficult to stop?
Let’s also add into the mix that we are also biologically wired to be this way. For the many thousands of years that our ancestors had to tough it out in the wild, their survival required them to watch out for danger and potential predators. And because biology doesn’t evolve as quickly as our life circumstances might, we also have in us that instinct to look out for the tiger that might eat us, even though the tiger is no longer there.
In modern life, we each find our own versions of the ‘tiger’ – threats that come in the form of someone else’s opinion or expectations, of change and uncertainty, of things not going our way, of worry for a loved one, of work pressures and deadlines and so on. No matter that we are mostly safe and well, it feels as if at any moment, something could go wrong. And these threats then activate our stress responses as if the tiger is still lurking just around the corner.
“Looking out for the tiger” means not trusting that things are ok because something could happen at any time. This manifests in a sense of ‘never good enough’ in our lives because we fret over the things that are or might be ‘wrong’. At an organisational level, this shows up as the overemphasis on issues and blame, pre-empting problems, avoiding risk, over-managing people… to the detriment of appreciation, creativity, capitalising on strengths and opportunities, breakthrough thinking, and celebration.
I appreciate the drive to fix problems and improve. But there is a price to pay for always being on the lookout for the ‘tiger lurking around the corner’. What kind of impact does it have on our mental processes, our productivity, our mental/emotional health and ultimately our lives? What opportunities are missed because we are too busy looking out for problems? What could we do with the time and energy spent on ‘imaginary tigers’ from the past and future?
For me, I’ve learnt to see and appreciate this evolutionary advantage that has gotten us this far. With knowledge then also comes the possibility of working with it. De-stressing with Mindfulness takes practice – learning to Recognise, Reframe, and focus on what we can control, with kindness. These strategies and skills help us recognise the real ‘tigers’ from the imaginary ones, and to regulate and soothe our sometimes overactive fight or flight systems before they go into overdrive.
P/S And if it all sounds like too much to do on your own – consider working with me 1-1 through a 4 week Mindful Stress Management course which introduces the development of Mindfulness and the specific skills mentioned here.
